THOUGHTS--1313
THIS SPACE HARBOURS MY THOUGHTS- IDEAS- MEMORIES- CONDRADICTIONS- ETC.


“thoughts” is meant to serve as a curation of moments or inspired things in
 my life. you could say it is a journal entry to a certain degree. in its most rudimentary discriptor - it serves as an outlet for my thoughts in the now.

Now i must ask of you not to take to the formating of these ‘articles’ they will change, be deleted, my ideas and view points WILL evolve- this is all just part of my ramble.

ALIYA HIDIRLAR      Design    GEIST    Featured    About    Shop
02 RODEO BEACH- memories with zeynep
FEB 18/25


I dream of time spent with Zeynep constantly... 

I wrote a letter to her saying there isn’t a day that goes by that I dont think of her. Yet I fumbled when I was supposed to give it to her so for now I will safe keep it for when I meet her next.  

Whenever I see this picture of her off to the left I think “atta girl, thats it.”

Sometimes I think that our history isn’t fair- yet I forget that we are all still here- we are still in one another’s lives, we still love one another, and we continue to grow even if we are seperated, we make room and time for one another and that is so fucking special. The beautiful days, the confusing days, the days where I just couldn’t take it anymore, it wasn’t my speed or my style, I couldn’t even comprehend how fast it was all moving. I still acted like I had something to prove, i needed something to hold on to, i needed a constant shock factor. 

I feel like such a poser sometimes. 
The imposter syndrom is all consuming.

Rodeo beach is a sacred space- back in 2016- when I was living in San Francisco and taking classes at AAU, the summer I learned to take the bus. A time of newfound independence- the summer I found out a bit more of myself. I was privileged with a weekend of Zeynep’s presence- sweet thing was just about 14 and I was turning 16 that November- My protective nature really shined through at this time. We wanted to go to the Museum and I told her to watch how I move and follow my lead through the city- San Francisco was a place unlike most we’d messed around in. It wasn’t as safe feeling and definitely not suburban.

 We saw a man relieve himself on the side of the street- I pulled Zeynep aside and we marched on down towards the sun that caressed our faces, the only warmth that San Francisco summer had to offer at the time. 
It was windy.

I briefly remember us spending time in the apartment I stayed in, we had a great time really- then on our last day or something like that we made our way across the Golden State Bridge to a beach that my parents had been to years before. It was so beautiful- In hind sight I believe the circular grind of classes and city living that I had viciously taken apart of made the drive to Rodeo Beach somewhat relieving. 

I felt like I could take a real deep breathe for the first time in a while. I felt safe and calm. it was a foggy day- the sand was slightly warm for some reason- I didn’t question it. 

Shark teeth scattered everywhere.

Every handful of sand produced at least one or two shark teeth. It was something else, it felt magical. We ran around the beach, Zeynep hates the beach but I think I’ve gotten her to come around by now. Kay frolicked and stuck to mom, we showed him the shark teeth and he started scavenging with a new found passion we communally gathered the teeth. It was so peaceful. 

This past summer 2024- On Kaan Kayra and my road trip around California, we stopped at Rodeo Beach again- almost exactly 8 years to the day from the time I had gone with Zeynep- In contrast to the first time we went that day was sunny- the air wasn’t crisp in the same way- summer lingered in the air. I took some moments to process- let it all in, the way we listened to the U2 album on repeat because we had no other music downloaded on our phones, the dead service zones on the way down. I was clearly getting emotional over the past and how much had changed since the last time I had been there. I continued to explain to Kaan and Kayra that we would find shark teeth everywhere throughout our entire road trip up the coast yet when we arrived. I was confronted with the fact that there wasn’t an abundance of shark teeth anymore, none at all really. Instead, there were feathers everywhere- all different sizes, colors, patterns, it was something. The pungent smell of death lingered in the air, birds had washed up, half decayed yet beautiful. 
I didn’t mind it all that much.

 The yellow of their beaks in comparison to the withered body strangely shocked me. It’s interesting how decay works.

I felt like crying the whole time i was there, but i kept it together the best I could. I remembered running back into my mother’s and father’s arms and showing em all the darn shark teeth. There were two dogs that day, 8 years ago. They ran to the water and chased one another around. Man time mosey’s on and certain things stick in my brain. being able to stop take a look around and observe- those past memories and feelings. that’s something so fucking special and damned beautiful as well.

-Aliya
aliya@aliyahidi.com                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            -thoughts-